tali_phoenix: (Default)
Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In October I gave [livejournal.com profile] bloodbeauty a Dutch Oven (-10 points). In May I gave [livejournal.com profile] visual_syntax a kidney (1000 points). In February I caught a purse-snatcher who stole [livejournal.com profile] tempusfrangit's purse (30 points). In November I gave [livejournal.com profile] aylira_tesayon a wet willie, then I took it back (-5 points). Last Sunday I committed genocide... Sorry about that, [livejournal.com profile] chirik (-5000 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-3985 points). For Christmas I deserve a lump of coal!

Sincerely,
natalie_i_am

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Got a haircut on Tuesday, and an eye test. I LIKE the Haircut, its neck length and layered and stuff. New glasses, back to the kinda frames I liked rather than EmoSpecs.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
So, lil old me, came out with an email to parental units. So far both parents are supportive [fantastic news!], they also informed my brothers I guess, cause one of them wrote a response too saying that I'd always be their oldest sibling.

What sparked this... coming out you ask? The GIC in Glasgow wrote me a nice letter telling me that my first appointment there was on th 6th of January 2010.

Life is good. On almost all fronts, I ditched this semester due to panic attacks basically. Depression/anxiety mixture, and deep paranoia. However, it is all good now!
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Sparked by reading random transformation fiction linked by someone in irc.
 
I don't know where to start.

I'm working and working full time [all told], living life entirely as Natalie-in-boy-body-and-clothes. Something is missing, and I don't  feel RIGHT and the tf story hit the nail on the head. I feel lost, I have a deep longing to be female, breasts and all the rest. I am scared of going via a place like Inhouse Pharmacy simply because if I let slip that I have that the NHS will collectively gasp and then pull any sort of help from me what so ever.

Attached to this is the whole "ugh male body hair" issue, freaked out big style and started methodically shaving my hands and forearms, clearing them totally of hair. The short stubble I see there is less "triggery" for lack of a better word.

None of this feels real, life itself doesnt feel real. The Trans-stuff, my sexuality, my friends... roll on 2012 - armageddon/global enlightenment, flying spaghetti monster comes and grants you your wishes, whatever. Bring it.

I call and they'll either "get back to me" or "they havent forgotten about me, but they are busy and have patients all over scotland and only so many slots".... give me some hope better than "we'll get round to you at some point"... thanks for making a girl feel like shits gonna happen. I hate going out because when I go out I'm "a guy", I cant escape that, a guy in drag is still a guy... and I sure as fuck dont look like me. I dont feel like me. I wake up every morning and it takes me a minute or so to remember this body does NOT have breasts, which I know should be there, and will be there. The physicality of it all is driving me up the wall.

Puts me off my fucking studies too. Puts a real dampener on my mood.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
 Uhm yeah... frequent updates didn't really happen.

Okay, erm waiting on appointment coming through from the GIC [still - I know these things take time]. Will be changing my name when appropriate, not sure on middle name, keep initials XOR follow my family tradition and use my paternal grandparents first name.

Back at Uni, studying politics, history and philosophy.
additional: my student loans claim was not screwed up, I gots my money on time.

Had a meeting at work [yes dear employers, I will be billing you for cost of travel since this was incurred because you insisted "omg Monday appt or nothing" for this meeting. FUCK YOU!, 40 minutes for travel, each way, for a half hour meeting causing me to miss classes. So that's an expenses claim and flexi-time. I WILL be insisting on it.
Meeting was to explain sleep apnea and my issues with it, in regards to work / sickness absence. Recommendation that I get covered by the Disability Discrimination Act.

Found $old_employer pension details. Will be updating my records with them, or more... I tried, and they did what the could and sent paperwork to allow me to do the rest. Still not got it, will call to check see if they screwed up my address.

Chasing credit card application [worst possible time to do it - however I am careful with money and this is more to build up my credit rating for when the market recovers, bill is getting cleared BEFORE any interest charges hit for I am not stupid.

Still needing to fill out / return form to get me put on the Electoral Roll - will do that today... maybe.

Peace, Love, Understanding and Respect :D
tali_phoenix: (Default)
 2 updates in 12 hours, you lucky peoples!

Called Sandyford today. They got the referral 11th August. Thats not too bad? 2 months and 3 days to get that sorted. They'll offer me an appointment when one becomes available... there is a wait time unfortunately. 2-3 months after the case has been looked at. *le sigh*
So best case scenario, looking at November? Before my first appointment.

Loads of time to femme out :D

Love and Kisses
Me!
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Erm massive update time! Okay, time to recap.

In the past 7 weeks I've pestered the local dr's office - June present with a letter from my counsellor going "Yeah, erm refer to GIC kthnxbai!" I think I mentioned that one.

July, exactly 1 month later I poke for an update and basically it was implied that the referral was being sent, the had to decide IF it was something they could push forward to ONE of the GIC's in Scotland [Sandyford in Glasgow rather than Myskow's Clinic in Edinburgh]

I call just out of curiosity in August, day before the 2 month marker... they were just sending the referral.
Natalie was annoyed but mollified by the fact it was sent.

Still not heard from Sandyford Clinic yet - will call them just to ask. Knowing the dumbasses at Tayside NHS they probably sent it to the student halls of residence where I no longer stay.


Work sucks still - but my friend is back so I get SOME touch woot woot. Almost had to go fulltime worker bee - thats bad. Natalies cant handle full time call centre monkey.

Uni-wise, I have transferred to the MA Politics course, IF I can get £600 or so in 5 days. So far I have £240, with £120 due from a friend/Cuddleslut, £90 from another [J] and unspecified amount from another [L], Hopefully L kicks in £100, or at the very least £50

If not, I'm screwed, totally, in the butt, without lube. By a well endowed wrench.

In other news... I'm so digging on Steampunk styled music and clothing styles.

A Rant.

Jul. 14th, 2009 01:56 am
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Behind this cut... is a stream of conciousness rant about my life, and everything going on in it. Read or don't read, but if you read, a little comment might help.

The Rant Is Here )
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Okay, as you may have figured out from my near constant whining, my home area doesnt have alot of medical experts on "obscure and scary conditions"...

Sleep Apnea - I'll be getting fitte with a CPAP machine. This should apparently give me a normal nights sleep, mask thing that looks wierd. Dont care want my achievement points for regular sleeping cycles! I think thats worth 10 Life Points or something.

Also, if this is a surprise for you, how the hell did you wind up friending me? *chuckle*
I'm fairly fucking sure I'm trans. My doctor isn't confident enough to give a diagnosis so last time I spoke to her so said she'd look into referrals to send me to where I need to be. Apparently there is no one in the area... funny according to the NHS website there is one or two. So I had to get my case reviewed by management, to see if they /should/ refer me elsewhere. Thankfully they are. Now the nearest major cities are in the following order.

Edinburgh ~65 Miles
Glasgow ~80
Aberdeen ~100.

I'm being sent to Glasgow... yeah okay.. I dont know the city. Oh well since its NHS my cock will probably disintegrate from lack of use before the referral even gets there. I spent 6 months on a waiting list WITHIN an NHS trust, and that was for depression. Common enough issue with people. Stats I was given were 1/2 females and 1/4 males.


Compared to Gender Dysphoria where I'm sure it was around the 1 in 5000 mark [probably the amount of cases the NHS will deal with]. Oh dear god. I'll be retired before I see probably the ONLY NHS Dr in Scotland who has an inkling as to the issues and proper course of treatment.


seriously!? SERIOUSLY!
Good thing I'm doing more hours, I can probably fund this shit myself, which I'll need to I guess
~~~~~~

Not all doom and gloom, Natalie finally remembered to check the hot water, plumber probably came in while we were spaced out, or just not here. I have nice hot water and spent just over an hour in the bathtub... I lost a lot of hair >.> can see milky white skin where there was shadows and dark man hair on the legs... and torso. Stuff feels GOOOOOOD now :) Like contact high good.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Okay. pretty much as Das Title states.

I fucked uni. Royally. Awaiting word back about whether I need to re-apply as a brand new student or not.

In the mean time. This little girl needs to go work full time. Call centre work is not fun. Government work is not fun. - I am doing both :(
The full time is now Mandatory. Due to a miscalculation of my outgoings over the summer. Halls of Residence = Giant Giant Con!

Thankfully my boss is rather sweet, and understanding... and is off sick so can't change my hours till she's back - wont be long I hopes. However after that I'll be sorted for finances and can buy stuff I want. Like clothes that arent plain black stereotypical gothy stuff *glares at the now vanished Nightshade*

Also... lending money is always a pain in the ass, mates owe money, parents owe money... ah wells.

Still, own flat, nice quiet, serene... life is peachy.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
A couple of months ago I went to the doctors, having a fairly good idea (thanks to power of internets and the fact my dad has the same freaking condition) that I probably do have Sleep Apnea.

Enter the alphabet soup of medical expertise that is my GP. "No, no way, no how do you have sleep apnea. I will refer you to the specialists at Ninewells to put your mind at rest."

They gave me an Embletta (home sleep study with a device that looked like the breathing apparatus outta original Star Wars trilogy. Doctor2 (the expert) sent the details to Consultant. Minor disagreement over course of treatment (I googled both of them and thanks but no thanks, one looks like a medieval torture device - now in plastic! and the other is a retainer/mouthguard looking thing I hated those). So yeah, I DO have Obstructive Sleep Apnea. Apparently this instance looked quite severe... apparently stopping breathing >40 times an hour is severe.

I get to meet Consultant and get the full details in 2 months.

This is better than treatment back home "oh well, if it hasnt killed you in two weeks, come back and I'll see if I can slip meds that will help" was the standard a-typical response from my doctor.

Note to self: If I ever wind up back home with parents and I need an appt "anyone but our GP please"

tali_phoenix: (Default)
 Faithful readers, I do apologise.

I've been so distractable that I havent had a chance to post.

Counselling is going well. Post Traumatic Stress Diagnosis AND she agrees that I may have gender dysphoria counsellor L Is helping write a letter to my GP explaining the issues cause I don't trust them. I just need to be punted to the right "specialists". Normally I'm all for counselling and resolving the issues, but damnit, I want the pills. Otherwise I'll be in for repeat panic attacks, self-loathing (damn that protruberance!), depression.

Somehow I seemed to have chatted to the right people "in normal society"... they do not object to me (woohoo! social acceptance high-five), in fact they LIKE me (dives back under the covers and retreats to Internet-Land).

Still trying to catch my advisor of studies so I can leave my current course and switch to Politics (damn it, why cant I find the time to just say "fuck it" and hunt her down!).

Work is still work... oh right, need to let boss + HR know whats going on before I start growing a chest I suppose. - Will wait till *I* know whats going on. In future, plz-do-not-be-telling-me you put in a complaint about my friend. I wanna tell her but I know it makes things worse.

Huh? My dm session has been postponed twice *dance*. Star Trek + Game Of Thrones was worth it (I won!!!!!)
Still reflecting that while Shade was here, he hung out with goths that made no sense. I hang out with hippy-type people, and "non-gothy awesome people" online, and general strange folks off line. Maybe this is a reflection on us/me.
*looks up* Oh my, thats quite a bit. I promise to update more often.

Enjoy a cup of brown joy (Tea!)

Peace and Love.

Timings

Apr. 14th, 2009 02:43 pm
tali_phoenix: (Default)
 Time is important... for example checking at 1.30 that day when your counselling appointment is - usually a bad thing (it was 1pm).

However! I get internet at my new flat some point tomorrow. YAY.
Thursday: doctors appt, not sure time will dig that out.
Friday: rescheduled counselling appt.

Sleeepy, but have work in just over 2 hours.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Will update tomorrow. Tired Natalie today. 

WARNING:

Mar. 6th, 2009 01:45 am
tali_phoenix: (Default)
All posts beyond THIS POINT are from a journal when I tried to be male, and failed. If you can see them that is.

Allow me to be frank at the commencement. You will not like me. You will not like me now and you will like me a good deal less as we go on. That is my prologue, nothing in rhyme, no protestations of modesty, you were not expecting that I hope.


[yes thats a very edited version of the Libertine Monologue]

In short, there were incidents and bouts of utter madness brought on by some very intense living conditions.

There is no more warnings.

tali_phoenix: (Default)
Cunty arse bollocks.

That's it really.

Or the long way: Why is life so expensive! God damn it. Maybe I AM being too much of a cheapskate and trying to find a decent 1 bedroom flat for UNDER £400.

Decent in this case to mean: John Q Law doesn't get a call to the street once or twice a week. I have the option of 2 places. Thats after checking several letting agencies AND gumtree. If living in student halls didn't also come with the following factoids: constant fire alarms, and a party going on when you need it the least. As well as (the requisite minimum of 1) annoying flatmate. All would be shiny and I'd stay here... well fsck. Will call that agent tomorrow, check out the bedsit and the 1bedroom.

Well, suck it up and just get on with it I suppose.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
 If you are cold, tea will warm you
If you are too heated, it will cool you
If you are depressed, it will cheer you
If you are excited, it will calm you.

W E Gladstone

-Amen.

Even decaf tea [4mg as opposed to 40-50mg apparently] is utter win. Probably Not Good to have 3 cups in one night but it tastes so good, I have missed it. Also I ain't gonna sleep ANYWAY.

On Updates:

Dec. 1st, 2008 02:31 pm
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Ginger Beer Floats = NOM!

That is all. Also to my American friends, Happy Turkey/We-killed-the-native-population Day (pylaydia, you skipped the country but your kinda on that list for now).

Uni is going good. B1 in Politics Essay biiiiiatch. (After A grade passes thats the best. :) ) 

I have 2 or 3 presents still to improvise or acquire.




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