tali_phoenix: (Default)
Sparked by reading random transformation fiction linked by someone in irc.
 
I don't know where to start.

I'm working and working full time [all told], living life entirely as Natalie-in-boy-body-and-clothes. Something is missing, and I don't  feel RIGHT and the tf story hit the nail on the head. I feel lost, I have a deep longing to be female, breasts and all the rest. I am scared of going via a place like Inhouse Pharmacy simply because if I let slip that I have that the NHS will collectively gasp and then pull any sort of help from me what so ever.

Attached to this is the whole "ugh male body hair" issue, freaked out big style and started methodically shaving my hands and forearms, clearing them totally of hair. The short stubble I see there is less "triggery" for lack of a better word.

None of this feels real, life itself doesnt feel real. The Trans-stuff, my sexuality, my friends... roll on 2012 - armageddon/global enlightenment, flying spaghetti monster comes and grants you your wishes, whatever. Bring it.

I call and they'll either "get back to me" or "they havent forgotten about me, but they are busy and have patients all over scotland and only so many slots".... give me some hope better than "we'll get round to you at some point"... thanks for making a girl feel like shits gonna happen. I hate going out because when I go out I'm "a guy", I cant escape that, a guy in drag is still a guy... and I sure as fuck dont look like me. I dont feel like me. I wake up every morning and it takes me a minute or so to remember this body does NOT have breasts, which I know should be there, and will be there. The physicality of it all is driving me up the wall.

Puts me off my fucking studies too. Puts a real dampener on my mood.

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tali_phoenix

July 2012

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