tali_phoenix: Cup of Tea, with text I drink tea so I don't kill anyone. (Rage)
I didn't know how to start this. Oh well lets jam.

Right quick recap: yours truly dw's Tali_Phoenix / lj's Natalie_I_am has started getting her meds/ girl pills [long time waiting too!]

So while I took that first sweet morsel of estrogen [Oestradiol Valerate, 2mg, pill] I was overcome with... Elation. Seriously, it was like the best freaking feeling in my LIFE. Over the past 25 hours and 18 minutes [not counting honest!] I've come to several realisations.
1) I am a 26 year old woman

I felt, honestly better than James Brown. I was happy, it was slow, it was cool. Happiness is cool. I wasn't morbidly depressed. Medically speaking the hormone hasn't kicked in yet. Psychologically it was like Alice swallowing that potion and going down the rabbit hole to a world of magic. I didn't go to sleep as a male bodied girl. I just went to bed... as me. Knowing I had a minute amount of estrogen poking around my insides going "hello there. We'll start to reshape you, my precious, yessss!" [Yes, I do have an inner dialogue running at all times. Keeps things interesting]

2) Man thats what a good nights sleep feels like. Linked into 
3) Oooh this is morning, and productivity! 

For those that are looking going "huh, sleep? why you being all crazy?". I have sleep apnoea. Its severe, I don't sleep well/at all some nights, and what little sleep I do get? No where near enough! So this was an usual night for me. I went to bed around 1? 1.30 am this morning. I woke up bright and mostly breezy at 6am. Knowing that it was probably a false start I went did a few things, empty bladder and get a drink of juice to stop from drying out.

I went to be and sleep for 2 and a half hours. I didn't quite get the 2.5h. Woke up about 8am and started a morning routine I swear was not mine a few days ago. The usual being "get up, run around, making breakfast, and making sure I have id/keys/bus fare or pass and run to bus".
Today? Woah maaan. Up, shower, get dressed, hell I had time to make my own lunch rather than winging it! and a leisurely stroll to the bus that I never catch on time [2 get me in, one with time to spare the other, well if I sprint at the far end I'm ok... just] I walked in, caffeine free and with a smile on my face. Usually I'm a grouchy kid and need a bottle of cola or similar to wake me up. I think just that little pill was my own wake up call.

This is my life. This is my body. It feels beautiful. All the small things count.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Totally freaking out about my appointment with Dr Gerber next month. I'll be kissing my first sunrise of my 25th year on this earth and I will be coming face to face with a man who could potentially alter my future... or maybe I'm building this first meeting up.

How do you approach something like this. Dressed in a manner you find comfortable and not overly masculine or feminine. Casual formal? Badly cross-dressing? First impressions and all that.

Oh well... lets see how many ways I can screw up my life.

Still job hunting, still stressed about that, and subsequent finances. Ramen and loads of walking here I come.
tali_phoenix: (Default)

Short version: Not a guy, friends dont quite get concept. Also, GIC appointment yay. Dropping out of uni, too much crap going on in life. Need more hours / 2nd job. For 2nd job, need up to date CV. Been working this job for 18 months... and I dont know what I actually do. Short of "fix other peoples fuck ups" but that isnt what you stick on a CV for call centre work.
Stress, leads to anxiety, anxiety leads to depression, depression leads to my ass out the door.

Also, probably too broke to get bus. will have to start walking. Save as much money as I can for food and so on.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
It went MOSTLY well at the GIC.


There was a few hiccups which I have bitched about elsewhere.
One gem that stands out
after discussing revulsion at genitalia and SI urges directed at said body part, and touching a little on my sexuality [fyi, I'm bi.. ish]. The "doctor" asked in all seriousness if I considered living as a gay man.

... No. Just NO. Women? Crazy. Men? Bastards.
Maybe its just the Central Belt or me.

On top of that, he tried to discourage me, and oh yeah, implied I was fat. Which while true, did kinda annoy me. "blokish build"...

Kinda depressed and in a funk, but shit happens. Its more future planning means I do NOT enjoy the concept of "Summer" as much as I used to.

Upside, Compaq 615 is very shiny and awesome. Handles EVE a little too well. Sooo tempted.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Too Long, Can't Be Bothered Recapping:
Life is good.
Laptop due Tuesday
GIC meeting Wednesday
Work starts back Thursday.
Classes 10 days later.

kinda worried/curious as to what will be asked and said at the clinic but meh. This is something I think? I want.

Hope everyone is doing fantastic in 2010.

Oh yeah and Mass Effect 2, end of this month.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
So, lil old me, came out with an email to parental units. So far both parents are supportive [fantastic news!], they also informed my brothers I guess, cause one of them wrote a response too saying that I'd always be their oldest sibling.

What sparked this... coming out you ask? The GIC in Glasgow wrote me a nice letter telling me that my first appointment there was on th 6th of January 2010.

Life is good. On almost all fronts, I ditched this semester due to panic attacks basically. Depression/anxiety mixture, and deep paranoia. However, it is all good now!
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Sparked by reading random transformation fiction linked by someone in irc.
I don't know where to start.

I'm working and working full time [all told], living life entirely as Natalie-in-boy-body-and-clothes. Something is missing, and I don't  feel RIGHT and the tf story hit the nail on the head. I feel lost, I have a deep longing to be female, breasts and all the rest. I am scared of going via a place like Inhouse Pharmacy simply because if I let slip that I have that the NHS will collectively gasp and then pull any sort of help from me what so ever.

Attached to this is the whole "ugh male body hair" issue, freaked out big style and started methodically shaving my hands and forearms, clearing them totally of hair. The short stubble I see there is less "triggery" for lack of a better word.

None of this feels real, life itself doesnt feel real. The Trans-stuff, my sexuality, my friends... roll on 2012 - armageddon/global enlightenment, flying spaghetti monster comes and grants you your wishes, whatever. Bring it.

I call and they'll either "get back to me" or "they havent forgotten about me, but they are busy and have patients all over scotland and only so many slots".... give me some hope better than "we'll get round to you at some point"... thanks for making a girl feel like shits gonna happen. I hate going out because when I go out I'm "a guy", I cant escape that, a guy in drag is still a guy... and I sure as fuck dont look like me. I dont feel like me. I wake up every morning and it takes me a minute or so to remember this body does NOT have breasts, which I know should be there, and will be there. The physicality of it all is driving me up the wall.

Puts me off my fucking studies too. Puts a real dampener on my mood.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
 Uhm yeah... frequent updates didn't really happen.

Okay, erm waiting on appointment coming through from the GIC [still - I know these things take time]. Will be changing my name when appropriate, not sure on middle name, keep initials XOR follow my family tradition and use my paternal grandparents first name.

Back at Uni, studying politics, history and philosophy.
additional: my student loans claim was not screwed up, I gots my money on time.

Had a meeting at work [yes dear employers, I will be billing you for cost of travel since this was incurred because you insisted "omg Monday appt or nothing" for this meeting. FUCK YOU!, 40 minutes for travel, each way, for a half hour meeting causing me to miss classes. So that's an expenses claim and flexi-time. I WILL be insisting on it.
Meeting was to explain sleep apnea and my issues with it, in regards to work / sickness absence. Recommendation that I get covered by the Disability Discrimination Act.

Found $old_employer pension details. Will be updating my records with them, or more... I tried, and they did what the could and sent paperwork to allow me to do the rest. Still not got it, will call to check see if they screwed up my address.

Chasing credit card application [worst possible time to do it - however I am careful with money and this is more to build up my credit rating for when the market recovers, bill is getting cleared BEFORE any interest charges hit for I am not stupid.

Still needing to fill out / return form to get me put on the Electoral Roll - will do that today... maybe.

Peace, Love, Understanding and Respect :D
tali_phoenix: (Default)
 2 updates in 12 hours, you lucky peoples!

Called Sandyford today. They got the referral 11th August. Thats not too bad? 2 months and 3 days to get that sorted. They'll offer me an appointment when one becomes available... there is a wait time unfortunately. 2-3 months after the case has been looked at. *le sigh*
So best case scenario, looking at November? Before my first appointment.

Loads of time to femme out :D

Love and Kisses
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Erm massive update time! Okay, time to recap.

In the past 7 weeks I've pestered the local dr's office - June present with a letter from my counsellor going "Yeah, erm refer to GIC kthnxbai!" I think I mentioned that one.

July, exactly 1 month later I poke for an update and basically it was implied that the referral was being sent, the had to decide IF it was something they could push forward to ONE of the GIC's in Scotland [Sandyford in Glasgow rather than Myskow's Clinic in Edinburgh]

I call just out of curiosity in August, day before the 2 month marker... they were just sending the referral.
Natalie was annoyed but mollified by the fact it was sent.

Still not heard from Sandyford Clinic yet - will call them just to ask. Knowing the dumbasses at Tayside NHS they probably sent it to the student halls of residence where I no longer stay.

Work sucks still - but my friend is back so I get SOME touch woot woot. Almost had to go fulltime worker bee - thats bad. Natalies cant handle full time call centre monkey.

Uni-wise, I have transferred to the MA Politics course, IF I can get £600 or so in 5 days. So far I have £240, with £120 due from a friend/Cuddleslut, £90 from another [J] and unspecified amount from another [L], Hopefully L kicks in £100, or at the very least £50

If not, I'm screwed, totally, in the butt, without lube. By a well endowed wrench.

In other news... I'm so digging on Steampunk styled music and clothing styles.

A Rant.

Jul. 14th, 2009 01:56 am
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Behind this cut... is a stream of conciousness rant about my life, and everything going on in it. Read or don't read, but if you read, a little comment might help.

The Rant Is Here )
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Okay, as you may have figured out from my near constant whining, my home area doesnt have alot of medical experts on "obscure and scary conditions"...

Sleep Apnea - I'll be getting fitte with a CPAP machine. This should apparently give me a normal nights sleep, mask thing that looks wierd. Dont care want my achievement points for regular sleeping cycles! I think thats worth 10 Life Points or something.

Also, if this is a surprise for you, how the hell did you wind up friending me? *chuckle*
I'm fairly fucking sure I'm trans. My doctor isn't confident enough to give a diagnosis so last time I spoke to her so said she'd look into referrals to send me to where I need to be. Apparently there is no one in the area... funny according to the NHS website there is one or two. So I had to get my case reviewed by management, to see if they /should/ refer me elsewhere. Thankfully they are. Now the nearest major cities are in the following order.

Edinburgh ~65 Miles
Glasgow ~80
Aberdeen ~100.

I'm being sent to Glasgow... yeah okay.. I dont know the city. Oh well since its NHS my cock will probably disintegrate from lack of use before the referral even gets there. I spent 6 months on a waiting list WITHIN an NHS trust, and that was for depression. Common enough issue with people. Stats I was given were 1/2 females and 1/4 males.

Compared to Gender Dysphoria where I'm sure it was around the 1 in 5000 mark [probably the amount of cases the NHS will deal with]. Oh dear god. I'll be retired before I see probably the ONLY NHS Dr in Scotland who has an inkling as to the issues and proper course of treatment.

seriously!? SERIOUSLY!
Good thing I'm doing more hours, I can probably fund this shit myself, which I'll need to I guess

Not all doom and gloom, Natalie finally remembered to check the hot water, plumber probably came in while we were spaced out, or just not here. I have nice hot water and spent just over an hour in the bathtub... I lost a lot of hair >.> can see milky white skin where there was shadows and dark man hair on the legs... and torso. Stuff feels GOOOOOOD now :) Like contact high good.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
 Faithful readers, I do apologise.

I've been so distractable that I havent had a chance to post.

Counselling is going well. Post Traumatic Stress Diagnosis AND she agrees that I may have gender dysphoria counsellor L Is helping write a letter to my GP explaining the issues cause I don't trust them. I just need to be punted to the right "specialists". Normally I'm all for counselling and resolving the issues, but damnit, I want the pills. Otherwise I'll be in for repeat panic attacks, self-loathing (damn that protruberance!), depression.

Somehow I seemed to have chatted to the right people "in normal society"... they do not object to me (woohoo! social acceptance high-five), in fact they LIKE me (dives back under the covers and retreats to Internet-Land).

Still trying to catch my advisor of studies so I can leave my current course and switch to Politics (damn it, why cant I find the time to just say "fuck it" and hunt her down!).

Work is still work... oh right, need to let boss + HR know whats going on before I start growing a chest I suppose. - Will wait till *I* know whats going on. In future, plz-do-not-be-telling-me you put in a complaint about my friend. I wanna tell her but I know it makes things worse.

Huh? My dm session has been postponed twice *dance*. Star Trek + Game Of Thrones was worth it (I won!!!!!)
Still reflecting that while Shade was here, he hung out with goths that made no sense. I hang out with hippy-type people, and "non-gothy awesome people" online, and general strange folks off line. Maybe this is a reflection on us/me.
*looks up* Oh my, thats quite a bit. I promise to update more often.

Enjoy a cup of brown joy (Tea!)

Peace and Love.


tali_phoenix: (Default)

July 2012

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