tali_phoenix: Cup of Tea, with text I drink tea so I don't kill anyone. (Rage)
I didn't know how to start this. Oh well lets jam.

Right quick recap: yours truly dw's Tali_Phoenix / lj's Natalie_I_am has started getting her meds/ girl pills [long time waiting too!]

So while I took that first sweet morsel of estrogen [Oestradiol Valerate, 2mg, pill] I was overcome with... Elation. Seriously, it was like the best freaking feeling in my LIFE. Over the past 25 hours and 18 minutes [not counting honest!] I've come to several realisations.
1) I am a 26 year old woman

I felt, honestly better than James Brown. I was happy, it was slow, it was cool. Happiness is cool. I wasn't morbidly depressed. Medically speaking the hormone hasn't kicked in yet. Psychologically it was like Alice swallowing that potion and going down the rabbit hole to a world of magic. I didn't go to sleep as a male bodied girl. I just went to bed... as me. Knowing I had a minute amount of estrogen poking around my insides going "hello there. We'll start to reshape you, my precious, yessss!" [Yes, I do have an inner dialogue running at all times. Keeps things interesting]

2) Man thats what a good nights sleep feels like. Linked into 
3) Oooh this is morning, and productivity! 

For those that are looking going "huh, sleep? why you being all crazy?". I have sleep apnoea. Its severe, I don't sleep well/at all some nights, and what little sleep I do get? No where near enough! So this was an usual night for me. I went to bed around 1? 1.30 am this morning. I woke up bright and mostly breezy at 6am. Knowing that it was probably a false start I went did a few things, empty bladder and get a drink of juice to stop from drying out.

I went to be and sleep for 2 and a half hours. I didn't quite get the 2.5h. Woke up about 8am and started a morning routine I swear was not mine a few days ago. The usual being "get up, run around, making breakfast, and making sure I have id/keys/bus fare or pass and run to bus".
Today? Woah maaan. Up, shower, get dressed, hell I had time to make my own lunch rather than winging it! and a leisurely stroll to the bus that I never catch on time [2 get me in, one with time to spare the other, well if I sprint at the far end I'm ok... just] I walked in, caffeine free and with a smile on my face. Usually I'm a grouchy kid and need a bottle of cola or similar to wake me up. I think just that little pill was my own wake up call.

This is my life. This is my body. It feels beautiful. All the small things count.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Ok, sorry about the long delay.

Apparently struggling to exist foodwise, and facing severe hardship of having to find out what fat I can cut from my existance, when I was on lean already... isn't a problem, at least not for my employer... I'm going to just forget to eat and when I passout and they ask whats wrong I'll just weakly blast them. I wonder if this method would work.

At least for this week.

Next week I'm going to be staying with [personal profile] deeperdown who will force feed me if I try this down there. I'm sooo looking forward to this! I need away from here and my old life.

In the mean time, doing a step by step clearing of my apartment, as its a tip and I've asked a friend to check in every so often, for a specific letter may arrive. Also in case this place is broken into.
Oh, and depression is back, so lets just sit in our housecoats for days at a time, watch a movie 11 times in a row. Oh depression, I've missed you. >.<

tali_phoenix: (Default)

Short version: Not a guy, friends dont quite get concept. Also, GIC appointment yay. Dropping out of uni, too much crap going on in life. Need more hours / 2nd job. For 2nd job, need up to date CV. Been working this job for 18 months... and I dont know what I actually do. Short of "fix other peoples fuck ups" but that isnt what you stick on a CV for call centre work.
Stress, leads to anxiety, anxiety leads to depression, depression leads to my ass out the door.

Also, probably too broke to get bus. will have to start walking. Save as much money as I can for food and so on.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
It went MOSTLY well at the GIC.


There was a few hiccups which I have bitched about elsewhere.
One gem that stands out
after discussing revulsion at genitalia and SI urges directed at said body part, and touching a little on my sexuality [fyi, I'm bi.. ish]. The "doctor" asked in all seriousness if I considered living as a gay man.

... No. Just NO. Women? Crazy. Men? Bastards.
Maybe its just the Central Belt or me.

On top of that, he tried to discourage me, and oh yeah, implied I was fat. Which while true, did kinda annoy me. "blokish build"...

Kinda depressed and in a funk, but shit happens. Its more future planning means I do NOT enjoy the concept of "Summer" as much as I used to.

Upside, Compaq 615 is very shiny and awesome. Handles EVE a little too well. Sooo tempted.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
So, lil old me, came out with an email to parental units. So far both parents are supportive [fantastic news!], they also informed my brothers I guess, cause one of them wrote a response too saying that I'd always be their oldest sibling.

What sparked this... coming out you ask? The GIC in Glasgow wrote me a nice letter telling me that my first appointment there was on th 6th of January 2010.

Life is good. On almost all fronts, I ditched this semester due to panic attacks basically. Depression/anxiety mixture, and deep paranoia. However, it is all good now!

A Rant.

Jul. 14th, 2009 01:56 am
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Behind this cut... is a stream of conciousness rant about my life, and everything going on in it. Read or don't read, but if you read, a little comment might help.

The Rant Is Here )


tali_phoenix: (Default)

July 2012

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