I live!

Jul. 24th, 2012 09:21 am
tali_phoenix: Cup of Tea, with text I drink tea so I don't kill anyone. (Tea)
Erm... if anyone wants details of stuff thats been going on, I will get that updated. Its been a long dull and depressing year for the most part.
tali_phoenix: Cup of Tea, with text I drink tea so I don't kill anyone. (Rage)
I didn't know how to start this. Oh well lets jam.

Right quick recap: yours truly dw's Tali_Phoenix / lj's Natalie_I_am has started getting her meds/ girl pills [long time waiting too!]

So while I took that first sweet morsel of estrogen [Oestradiol Valerate, 2mg, pill] I was overcome with... Elation. Seriously, it was like the best freaking feeling in my LIFE. Over the past 25 hours and 18 minutes [not counting honest!] I've come to several realisations.
1) I am a 26 year old woman

I felt, honestly better than James Brown. I was happy, it was slow, it was cool. Happiness is cool. I wasn't morbidly depressed. Medically speaking the hormone hasn't kicked in yet. Psychologically it was like Alice swallowing that potion and going down the rabbit hole to a world of magic. I didn't go to sleep as a male bodied girl. I just went to bed... as me. Knowing I had a minute amount of estrogen poking around my insides going "hello there. We'll start to reshape you, my precious, yessss!" [Yes, I do have an inner dialogue running at all times. Keeps things interesting]

2) Man thats what a good nights sleep feels like. Linked into 
3) Oooh this is morning, and productivity! 

For those that are looking going "huh, sleep? why you being all crazy?". I have sleep apnoea. Its severe, I don't sleep well/at all some nights, and what little sleep I do get? No where near enough! So this was an usual night for me. I went to bed around 1? 1.30 am this morning. I woke up bright and mostly breezy at 6am. Knowing that it was probably a false start I went did a few things, empty bladder and get a drink of juice to stop from drying out.

I went to be and sleep for 2 and a half hours. I didn't quite get the 2.5h. Woke up about 8am and started a morning routine I swear was not mine a few days ago. The usual being "get up, run around, making breakfast, and making sure I have id/keys/bus fare or pass and run to bus".
Today? Woah maaan. Up, shower, get dressed, hell I had time to make my own lunch rather than winging it! and a leisurely stroll to the bus that I never catch on time [2 get me in, one with time to spare the other, well if I sprint at the far end I'm ok... just] I walked in, caffeine free and with a smile on my face. Usually I'm a grouchy kid and need a bottle of cola or similar to wake me up. I think just that little pill was my own wake up call.

This is my life. This is my body. It feels beautiful. All the small things count.

On Dreams

Oct. 13th, 2010 01:43 pm
tali_phoenix: (Default)
The average subconscious can throw out some weird and wonderful concepts while you sleep, but really... this takes the cake.
Reality: I'm transitioning [male to female]. Bombed Uni [Computing then Politics] because of several health reasons, and I dislike Apple products [yes, this IS relevant]

Dream. Cis Female or at least more feminine looking and younger looking than I am now, studying what I think was drama related stuff, more behind the scenes I think [so that's about right]. I had random friends that look vaguely familiar from my own memories, [some them weren't even annoying any more!]. This is where it takes a right turn from reality; I was sitting in a lecture, wide awake, taking notes on an iPad [or something that resembled an iPad, it may have been a computer from SG: Atlantis instead, just slimmer]. After the lecture I was cuddled up and having lunch with someone from the US, probably Texan [yes I have a strange thing for accents!]. Also, it was like warm wherever I was and dammit I was happy [if confused by it cause my brain was like, "yeah this isn't right."]

At which point I woke up. I want to go back to sleep, it was warm and fuzzy and ultimately sweet.

Now to go get ready for an early shift at work cause there's a meeting they want me to attend, management patting each other on the backs for being all ace and groovy and that they care about us... while trying to get rid of as many people as they can.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Ok, sorry about the long delay.

Apparently struggling to exist foodwise, and facing severe hardship of having to find out what fat I can cut from my existance, when I was on lean already... isn't a problem, at least not for my employer... I'm going to just forget to eat and when I passout and they ask whats wrong I'll just weakly blast them. I wonder if this method would work.

At least for this week.

Next week I'm going to be staying with [personal profile] deeperdown who will force feed me if I try this down there. I'm sooo looking forward to this! I need away from here and my old life.

In the mean time, doing a step by step clearing of my apartment, as its a tip and I've asked a friend to check in every so often, for a specific letter may arrive. Also in case this place is broken into.
Oh, and depression is back, so lets just sit in our housecoats for days at a time, watch a movie 11 times in a row. Oh depression, I've missed you. >.<

tali_phoenix: (Default)
Just testing, hello internet.
tali_phoenix: (Default)

*whistles and bounces*

In a good mood, despite being in a major funk this weekend.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
In honour of Edwin Morgans passing, I put here the poem of his that I associate with alot of things, now bittersweet memories.


There were never strawberries
like the ones we had
that sultry afternoon
sitting on the step
of the open french window
facing each other
your knees held in mine
the blue plates in our laps
the strawberries glistening
in the hot sunlight
we dipped them in sugar
looking at each other
not hurrying the feast
for one to come
the empty plates
laid on the stone together
with the two forks crossed
and I bent towards you
sweet in that air
in my arms
abandoned like a child
from your eager mouth
the taste of strawberries
in my memory
lean back again
let me love you

let the sun beat
on our forgetfulness
one hour of all
the heat intense
and summer lightning
on the Kilpatrick hills

let the storm wash the plates
tali_phoenix: (Default)
*Shakes fist at Universe*
Damn you! and your little dog too.

Right under stressful situation with regards to pay and hours. Out of est 100? Jobs, one interview for a job that would have been PERFECT for me. Applied for a job with /National Communications/ company, via a recruitment agency.
Turns out when "We need you to be flexible to work 9am to 9pm 25 hours a week" is uttered they mean "Under all circumstances."... and it wouldn't pay enough to leave me in the same position as now. If they both gave me fixed shifts, or one with a fixed shift and another that worked around it. I would be fine... what the FUCK is with this "We REQUIRE you to prioritise us over everything else"
Those requests are reasonable if its a major job, but Call Center Peon [£6.20ph] is NOT one of those jobs.

Sorry, but this shit has got to stop!
tali_phoenix: (Default)
:reasons why I'm stressed. I have a lot of freaking expenses coming up.
I don't really care for the job at times when I deal with a bunch of muppets one after the other who don't understand anything I'm telling them.
But ultimately I need extra hours as I'm only working 20 hours a week. Its a good rate of pay like £8 and a bit an hour. but on 20 hours a week that will be enough to see me by
On top of that I honest to god need a new wardrobe, I need to start trying to find money from SOMEWHERE to pay for laser or electrolysis otherwise I'm gonna be looking like a man with a pair of tits.
oh and after doing the one thing I swore not to do, I need to start saving up money for when the shit hits the fan as it usually does
I haven't bought food in 2months
and I don't trust in my finances enough to even think about buying more food
so when whats in there is gone, I'm probably not gonna eat all that often
also, tight finances lead to stress and depression... which means I'm worried I'll get fired, and then I'll be left to rot by the NHS cause the standards of care state I need to be in education [which wasn't working out] or working. otherwise I can just fuck off and go crazy
and this is on my mind all the time
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Heh, thats hilarious... when I played Eve IW as wary about going to .4 in Battlecruisers,
tali_phoenix: (Default)
1) I cant get a full time job [none going where I meet the requirements]
2) I cant get a 2nd part time job as they all insist on a friday or a saturday, and I cannot get my shift changed cause... we're understaffed.
3) I'm still fighting for an increase in hours. This is currently running to 2 months. Doubtful, as employers are trying to cut back on expenses.
4) I cant move back in with parents, transfer took 4 months to get me up here and two resignation letters [will not have same impact, see above]. and what I save on rent and bills will be spent purely on getting too and from work
5) I cant quit work, since then I wouldn't qualify for benefits
6)I cant get fired since then I would just be left to get stressed, trangsty and depressed. Also benefit system is so slow, I'd be homeless before they sorted it.
7) I cant move anywhere cheaper since I cant afford the deposit.
8) Currently so stressed out I sleep for 3 hours a day, before waking up and getting restless.

A Shite State of Affairs indeed.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Okay. Basically, I was living in a large city [I think], I had my own little 1 bedroom apartment, next to a nightclub/pub type thing. I had two bathrooms, one like in hotels between two bedrooms, and one basically led to the club/pub thing. Most of the people in the area were folk I know and get on with online, like yourself and folk from another irc server. Except a large majority of us were vampiric in nature [dislike of sunlight, fangs. occassional blood lust, but still had normal human functions - which explains the toilet]. So it was like a random mutation, at one point my parents are sitting in my flat chatting to me, and someone stumbles in from weird bathroom talking about vampire stuff assuming I'm a vamp so my parents must be, and I'm trying to explain they are "day folk" without saying that, talking and code and stuff. I was also half way through transitioning as well, so kinda on the femme side of androgenous.

^ Subconcious, I love you. I have no idea WHAT you were smoking but I love you
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Ok, Random updates.
Assassins Creed II: WTF Ubisoft, seriously, strangest ending, ever. EVER!

Force Unleashed: Gah, end mission, I need to do you again, this time I'm going kick Vaders backside rather than the Emperor. With a shiny Gold or Red blade I have decided. Maybe Red, just to see what Red v Red looks like *shrug*.

Mass Effect 2: Ooooh god that's a game with a lot of replay value, kinda, the resource hunt annoys me. The missions all feel different when you have to think tactically, rather than "oh, I'll grab my assault rifle and shoot." At which point I invariably go "oh. NO Assault Rifle. Crap. Shotgun? Too far away." AND opting to go with a pistol... damn you distance and accuracy.

Hmmm Saboteur is fun. GTA + WW2 Paris, and you are one pissed off and vengeful Irishman with a grudge, and a resistance movement that can get you fun weapons. Apparently you can swipe a tank as well >.> I've contented myself with the AA Guns and using Nazi Zeppelin's as target practice.

Work, bite my shiny metal ass, seriously. S fuck you, for taking so long. P fuck you for kicking that back. Now I have a confused D [he's middle grade between both S and P] with a stress risk assessment and an increase of hours request... this MIGHT work to my advantage. You never know.

I have wasted my three day weekend, listening to online radio, gaming and the odd bit of shoe shopping ^.^
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Totally freaking out about my appointment with Dr Gerber next month. I'll be kissing my first sunrise of my 25th year on this earth and I will be coming face to face with a man who could potentially alter my future... or maybe I'm building this first meeting up.

How do you approach something like this. Dressed in a manner you find comfortable and not overly masculine or feminine. Casual formal? Badly cross-dressing? First impressions and all that.

Oh well... lets see how many ways I can screw up my life.

Still job hunting, still stressed about that, and subsequent finances. Ramen and loads of walking here I come.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Fucking Awesome.

Can't wait to unlock more goodies in the game. Sorry been distracted by throwing my self off big buildings.


Apr. 8th, 2010 01:46 am
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Your result for Awakening the Hero Within: Hero Archetype Test ...
You are the Destroyer.
58% Innocent, 50% Orphan, 58% Warrior, 58% Caregiver, 83% Seeker, 75% Lover, 96% Destroyer, 46% Creator, 56% Magician, 33% Ruler, 88% Sage and 54% Fool!
Goal: Metamorphosis
Fear: Annihilation
Response to Dragon/Problem: Allow dragon to slay it
Task: Let go
Gift: Humility
Addictions: Self-destructive habits like alcohol or smoking, suicide

The Destroyer is central to metamorphosis. The void that the Destroyer leaves in its wake is more profound and debilitating than the abandonment experienced by the Orphan. The Destroyer often is a person in the prime of life, who has a fully developed identity and a belief in their ability to cope. One is not a Destroyer because of wrongdoing. The experience of misfortune can either cripple or be transformative. Sometimes we succumb to madness or cynicism, but sometimes we can let go of the old and open to the new.
The Destroyer is also the transformer. Rebirth, after all, follows death. At best, a Destroyer can be revolutionary, subverting and destroying harmful and repressive systems.

Shadow Destroyer:
All acts of self-destruction and totally destructive acts are those of the pathological Destroyer. The Destroyer turns us into villains when we refuse to acknowledge and take responsibility for the inevitable harm we do.

Yeah this was going round my friends. Mew, destroyer I am ?



Mar. 17th, 2010 03:05 am
tali_phoenix: (Default)

Edited cause I pasted wrong.
tali_phoenix: (Default)

Short version: Not a guy, friends dont quite get concept. Also, GIC appointment yay. Dropping out of uni, too much crap going on in life. Need more hours / 2nd job. For 2nd job, need up to date CV. Been working this job for 18 months... and I dont know what I actually do. Short of "fix other peoples fuck ups" but that isnt what you stick on a CV for call centre work.
Stress, leads to anxiety, anxiety leads to depression, depression leads to my ass out the door.

Also, probably too broke to get bus. will have to start walking. Save as much money as I can for food and so on.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
It went MOSTLY well at the GIC.


There was a few hiccups which I have bitched about elsewhere.
One gem that stands out
after discussing revulsion at genitalia and SI urges directed at said body part, and touching a little on my sexuality [fyi, I'm bi.. ish]. The "doctor" asked in all seriousness if I considered living as a gay man.

... No. Just NO. Women? Crazy. Men? Bastards.
Maybe its just the Central Belt or me.

On top of that, he tried to discourage me, and oh yeah, implied I was fat. Which while true, did kinda annoy me. "blokish build"...

Kinda depressed and in a funk, but shit happens. Its more future planning means I do NOT enjoy the concept of "Summer" as much as I used to.

Upside, Compaq 615 is very shiny and awesome. Handles EVE a little too well. Sooo tempted.
tali_phoenix: (Default)
Too Long, Can't Be Bothered Recapping:
Life is good.
Laptop due Tuesday
GIC meeting Wednesday
Work starts back Thursday.
Classes 10 days later.

kinda worried/curious as to what will be asked and said at the clinic but meh. This is something I think? I want.

Hope everyone is doing fantastic in 2010.

Oh yeah and Mass Effect 2, end of this month.


tali_phoenix: (Default)

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